Culinary Drama
For the last few days my culinary-wise husband has been experimenting in our kitchen, trying out all kinds of recipes for some kind of Chinese noodle. I think the noodle is Chinese, anyway. I'm not really sure. Apparently there is some secret way to make these Chinese noodles that no one discloses, and he has been challenged to figure it out. This has meant a lot of trips to the regular grocery store, and exotic grocery stores, procuring strange ingredients. It has meant a lot of kneading of dough, a lot of flour covered countertops, several periodically interested preschoolers who whose help was well received from the tall chef (who unlike me actually LIKES to cook with children under foot). It has also meant that I have been staying clear and free of the kitchen. We discovered early on in our marriage that we really don't ride in cars well together, and we definitely do not work well in the same kitchen together.
I am happy that my husband likes to cook. I am happy that he gets so happy cooking. I am not always so happy with the mess left behind (especially when the mess is not to be disturbed for extended periods of time because the genius is at work and doesn't like me to move his equipment and ingredients), but I really would like to like that he likes to cook. I'm trying hard to be positive about his culinary adventures.
Please do not actually expect me to try the things he is cooking, though. I just really prefer whole wheat noodles cooked exactly the way I like them sprinkled with sharp shredded cheddar cheese, and that's all. I like my vegetables on the side. Plain. Without dressing or sauce. I don't want my food mixed up. I don't want my noodles infused with sesame seed oil, which has a noxious smell and taste and makes me want to hide in my office with the door closed.
And, I am sad to admit, I just do draw the line at the infusion of onions and garlic. My husband sneaked onions into the house Tuesday morning and started stir frying them in my kitchen. Onions are not allowed inside. We do not store them inside. We do not cook them inside. There is nothing more repulsive to me than onions. I was in my office working, and all of the sudden a revolting stench came barreling up the staircase. I yelled as loud as I could and ran to close every door upstairs. I screamed and threw a magnificient tantrum. I stomped downstairs and threw open every window that I could along with the patio door. I lit every candle with the thickest fragrances (I keep those around JUST for emergencies like this).
I was really enraged. Humorously enraged, I later realized. Not only was cooking onions a huge insult to me, but even worse, my husband had done it without warning me on a day when I would be at home teaching all afternoon. The smell of onions permeates everything. I try so hard to not have a smelly house on teaching days that I don't even cook broccoli. At one point during my tirade I screamed, "I DO NOT NEED MY STUDENTS LEAVING FOR HOME SMELLING LIKE VEGETABLES!!!!" I realize that sounds a bit ridiculous, but I was quite worked up at the time. (Later on my throat hurt from yelling).
So, the boiling seaweed I can take.
And I can be patient about a noodle factory in my kitchen, but I don't really appreciate sesame seed oil, and I just can't contain my emotions about onions and garlic (which is actually worse).
I really wish I COULD fully appreciate my husband's talents in the kitchen, I really do. He deserves to go ballroom dancing and to have one savor his carefully concocted delicacies, but I am a clutz on the dance floor and I really just like PLAIN food. Adding salt and pepper is plenty of seasoning for me. And I've decided we may some day need to build an external kitchen outside, like some people have a gazebo in their yard, because I don't think I will be able to handle this genius every day in my kitchen when he retires.
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2 Comments
Carm
Oh Rachel, you are too funny. I love, love, love onions. They are wonderful in food. But I totally understand about the horror of bad food smells permeating a home and clothing and hair… Ugh. Nasty. And I live in an apt. so it really lacks ventilation. I want to try some Indian cooking recipes but I am just so afraid of smells that will be with me for weeks after.
I love onion, but I have a ritual of how to immediately get rid of the peelings and cleaning the chopping board and knives and counter. The smell from cooking is harder to deal with but the garbage goes out immediately so I don’t have that lingering smell for the next couple days.
Bryan
So what your saying is … the assorted bag of onions, the grow-your-own garlic herb garden, the “Cooking with Emeril” sented candle, and the exotic cooking oil of the month club membership I got you for Christmas all has to be returned?